READING, PA- Pronounced READING not READING.

I can't express in words how much I dislike flight attendants and airline workers. Without stamping my foot and gesticulating wildly I don't know if I can convey how horrible these people are. WHY wouldn't you smile when I walk up to you? I say good morning and you just stare at me?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU- I don't go to my job and not tell jokes, so why is it so hard for you to at least act like you are happy to be alive. I know, I know you work at the airport- SUCKS- but it's not my problem- NOW GIVE ME A GOD DAMNED WINDOW SEAT. WHY are non reclining back aisle seats as much as regular seats? You people should be shot. 

In other news, in the American Terminal this morning there was a lesbian couple...totally whatever but they were black and the "guy" of the relationship must have said "nigger" about 50 times...like super loud. In fact, everything she said was super loud, she was complaining about a dog that was staying at her house or something. You don't realize how not racist you are until someone else's racial slurs, especially about their own race, offends you. I would have told her to give it a rest, but she totally would have killed me...and then tried to date me- probably not that order...then again, who knows what she is into...besides yelling the N word super loud in public.

Reading, PA is home to one of the best things I have ever been to. I love convenient stores. I love 7-11s, AMPMs, Circle K, ALLSUPS- ANY OF THEM. I love the selection, bright colors and the little unique things each one caries making them unique. I thought 7/11 was the best..until I went into a SHEETZ...

http://www.sheetz.com/main/coffee/sbc.cfm

specifically- their Espresso Bar. HOLY SHIT. 

Not only can you customize your own drink- iced, hot, blended, smoothie- but you can pick from a thousand more flavors than Starbucks has AND you order it on the most user friendly touch screen ever! YOU CAN EVEN ORDER food!

I loved it so much I looked into franchise information! (They only sell to people in their family- it's family owned... nepotism at it's tasty best.

When I got to my hotel I had a few choices for dinner.

Eat at Red Lobster and feel jipped

Eat at Hooters and feel like a creep

Eat at Olive Garden and feel too full

Eat at Applebees and feel gross

I went with Applebees on the insane logic that I had at least eaten there and knew how bad the food was going in- sort of a "better the devil you know" sort of thing. 

Dear Crapplebees- YOUR FOOD IS TERRIBLE, YOUR CLIENTS ARE ULGY and that is all.

The picture above is actually a picture from their menu- way to prey on the mentally unstable Applebees. Ugh, go add some more MSG oil to your soup.

Alvernia University is a small Catholic private school nestled in the heart of Reading. I performed in a lecture hall complete with giant chalk boards- which I totally scribbled on during my set for no reason- I wish I always had a chalkboard with me, made me feel like I was imparting real scholastic wisdom.

MICHIGAN- THE UPPER PENINSULA

MICHIGAN TECH-

My day started at 3:am on saturday morning. Shuttled it to the airport, met a Portuguese kid, a guy from Amsterdam and an American kid (who is now my friend on Facebook) on the ride there. 6:10 am flight and honestly, I didn't even know what airport I was checking my bags through. Had to change planes in St.Paul- wasn't aware of that till I looked at the boarding pass. In an effort to eat less airport food I did...I think I did. It was early- I usually get an egg McMuffin because I figure, hey, you're so rarely up this early, it's a special occasion. But being that for the next 3 months I'm traveling to like 65 states a week, the occasion is not so special and I have now developed this Pavlovian response to McDonalds where whenever I see it I think of early morning travel and I shoot someone. So no more McMuffins...A delight that I have taken to calling Egg McMewFinns because cats are funny and I'm alone most of the time so no one stops me. I didn't get any airport food! Rather I slept. Slept away the layover. Slept away the flight. Oh, btw I HATE FLIGHT ATTENDANTS. I am classifying them as a race of self hating, job loathing, power-wielding, glorified air WAITRESSES out to do nothing but assert there teeny bit of power over you for the next 3.5-5 hours. The other day I was on a small plane and the flight attendant told me that I had to have my shoes on for take off...Way to enforce the rules, woman. Isn't there a jerk somewhere with his tray table down? Isn't there some elderly woman in aisle 5 with her chair at a 92 degree angle you could be harassing? WHAT? YOU ALREADY BULLIED THEM INTO THE CONFINES OF ATA SAFETY meanwhile if I wanted to I could slit your throat with a sharpened credit card if I were a terrorist and it sure as fuck won't matter if my shoes aren't  on when the plane is plunging to the earth at 2000 ft per second. BTW, would it kill you do at least act like I'm not inconveniencing you if and when I speak? I travel all over the country with this roller bag, WHY ON EARTH do you think today is the day it won't fit in the overhead compartment? NO I DON'T WANT CRANBERRY JUICE, IT'S A 45 MINUTE FLIGHT! I'M NOT THIRSTY ENOUGH TO WANT TO TALK TO YOU! GO SIT IN YOUR JUMP SEAT AND READ SKY MALL AND THINK OF WAYS TO SPRUCE UP THAT POLYCOTTON BLEND JUMPER YOU GOT ON...and no more make up isn't gonna help.

Sooo...HOUGHTON, MICHIGAN 47.11°N 88.57°W (Elev. 987 ft) 

Home to copper mines, some Finnish people and Michigan Tech. I landed in a shoe box, was greeted by the woman who booked me and was taken straight to me room, I had about 2 hours between landing and the show. Just enough to time to scarf down a salad, text a boy that I like and lay on my stomach while I watched garbage on TV. 

Michigan is a very interesting place. I've always thought of it as like...a southern state in the north- on account of all the minute men. It's got a lot of rolling planes and tree covered hills, like Canada...or most of America. 

Houghton is the NYC of Northern North America, check out their bustling downtown in the above picture.

Students of MICHTECH (I'm calling it that now) are very bright and totally got jokes that most adults miss. We had about 500+ and it was standing room only. They seemed to really have a great time...too bad they didn't show it by buying T-Shirts...Then again, I don't have the best eye for design and perhaps I should make more aesthetically pleasing design choice before I spend a couple grand on shirts and decide to schlep them around the country (weird, spellcheck didn't spellcheck "schlep")

Go Huskies

(best joke of the night- If the MICHTECH Huskies married the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers...They would be CORNHUSKIES....BOOM

PITTSBURGH

PITTSBURGH 
I don't think it really matters what city I'm in because my nights end in one of two ways. I go back to my hotel room or go out and get smashed with an old friend. I know I say in my act that I don't drink, and I don't...unless I'm out getting smashed with an old friend. The current time is is 4:51 am and the airport car is coming to get me at 6 to take me back to LA. 

I spent Aug 13 through today, Aug 16th headlining with Pittsburgh Improv. But I don't think I wanna make this blog about the clubs. I've only been working the road for a year. It's fine. I've gotten over the lonely part- in fact, I have begun to prefer it...One step closer to becoming a creepy old woman, huh? My friend Bill Crawford was my feature this weekend, we went to college together and he does stand up in Pittsburgh. I was more than thrilled to not only have a funny friend as my feature, but to have someone to hang out with. Thanks to Bill I now know what a "Yinzer" is and I have somewhat of a grasp on that ridiculous accent. It's a cross between cockney, a southern accent and a valley girl voice. If you tried it anywhere outside of this state, people would just think you were bad at one of the former. 

Friday morning I did radio on WDVE and they asked me if I like the Food Network (I'm such a loser that I actually have it written in my press bio as a hobby of mine. Not hiking, not skiing- watching people MAKE FOOD). I guess I was so happy to be talking about something other than the ever-innocuous "what's it like being a female in stand up" (it's like being a guy but without a weiner and the initial respect) that I launched into a 5 min diatribe about the Food Network, specifically Paula Deen (get a look at this maniac www.pauladeen.com) replete with impressions of her and Rachael Ray. Apparently people liked it because not only did people yell out "DO PAULA DEEN" during my show, I also had to apologize to several disappointed show-goers when I didn't do it...Sorry ya'll. Guess that's in my act now.

We went to South Pittsburgh friday night with Randy from WDVE. 

We drank something called "rocket fuel"- it came in a classroom juice pitcher.

We drank beers at several bars along the walk to another bar.

We drank tequila shots (my call)

I ate 8 dollars worth of pizza.

I bit someone.

I danced on the sidewalk up against anyone that passed me...so I hear.

I slept till 4pm the next day.

Did the show saturday. Saturday night we went to this Pittsburgh favorite

http://www.primantibrothers.com/  

That crazy sandwich on the top left of their homepage? I ate that...sober. I had a sip of an Iron City Pounder...and, that's probably the most I will ever have of one of those.

Slept till 4:30pm sunday, based on the sandwich you can see why. Walked around the outdoor shopping center that surrounds the Pittsburgh Improv. Improvs are always in outdoor malls. When I'm doing a weekend at an Improv is the only time I'm actually excited to see an American Eagle. It's like when you go to sleep away camp and you get to go on a field trip to the local drug store- it's a big deal for some reason. 

I guess I really Fd myself over by sleeping till 4:30 today because now I can't sleep. I can't sleep AND I have work to do. Usually when you have work you can put it off by saying "I should get a good night's sleep" or by just plain being tired. I watched everything on Tv; Family Guy, Tropic Thunder, The News, Robot Chicken, True Blood, a hair infomercial- stole a TWIX from the hotel lobby...Then went back downstairs and told them I took it...I could have gotten away with it too, the night receptionist wasn't even there...But I didn't want it to come out of her pay...or the hotels...Then again, I saved them money because I didn't let the maid in all weekend, so that saved her time enabling her to work at other tasks. I ate the twix thinking "ok, I'll eat my Twix and do some writing..." 30 minutes later the Twix was gone and I had decided to set up this blog instead of do my writing...oh, and I went and bought soup. 

I debated texting a boy that I like- but...I can't really see an upside. The downside is he might not write back, and then I'd feel like an jerk. Or he could write back...and we'd have a boring and perhaps exhausting conversation, effectively extinguishing any burning desires or romantic pictures I had painted in my head. It's probably best that I never talk to this boy and just look at his facebook page bi-weekly...daily.

So, Pittsburgh- I had fun. I'm totally and utterly in love with America and any chance I get to see the suburbs and cities...and burghs that make it up, I'm happy. It was good to be in the "City-a-Champianz-n-nat"-.